I tried to look into the mirror today,
Look into my eyes and say,
“I love you, Maria! You are perfect the way you
are”
I looked into my eyes and said, “I love,
I stopped and broke down into sobs.
Do I really love my self? I wondered.
REJECTION
I was born perfect-two arms two legs,
Organs intact- A perfect child.
But, somehow, I was not enough.
Mother didn’t want me; she thought I was daddy’s
little pet,
Father saw mommy in me, he choose to beset.
Brother dearest wanted me dead, told me I was a
decision they regret.
How subtle the abuse, but, it scarred me deep
within,
Nothing I ever said or did, condoned me of the sin
Of being alive, being around the same space and
time
As the people who were meant to love,
The child they brought into the world, a symbol of
their love.
But, I was no symbol, just a mistake, one they
have to live with now.
UNWORTHY
Why do we teach children they need to be deserving
of love?
Why don’t we teach them that they are lovable,
here and now?
If someone told me when I was 5, that I am loved
just the way I am,
Would I have made the same mistakes, would I give
a damn?
I think so, no, I know so- it would have changed
the way I saw
The world around me, I wouldn’t have been
withdrawn.
It’s not easy to compete with perfection- I was
always too weak,
Too stupid too shy, too sad, too opinionated, too
lost, and too meek.
“What will become of her?” They wondered aloud,
judgment ready
No hope in her to survive the cold harsh world
outside, feet unsteady
I’d run. I’d run inward, until inside my shell,
I’m safe and sound,
No hope for the future, all hope and dreams
crushed to the ground.
MISTRUST
One in which confidence is placed, thus it is
defined,
Trust. The one thing you taught me never to do
until I find
Someone worthy. But, how could I? When all you
ever taught me
Was to never trust anybody- friend or foe, you
wouldn’t let me be.
Convinced the world was out to get me, you always
advised,
Steer clear of men and their sweet talks, they’re
just devils disguised.
I listened to you intently; your fears became mine
too,
Craving for your approval, I did as you asked me
to do.
“Men only want one thing, men cannot feel, they
only lust,” you’d say,
Fear of being used made me turn my back on love
and walk away.
Today, I’m paranoid, delusional, distrusting of
everyone,
The damage that you have caused can not be undone.
UNHAPPINESS
What is it to be happy? I’ve pondered many times
before,
Is it joy? Satisfaction? Pleasure? Or is it
something more?
From when I can remember, I was the cause of all
your pain,
The reason you were unhappy, the target of all
your disdain.
Somehow, Somewhere, things went terribly wrong,
I’ve been guilt-ridden, blaming myself for so
long.
Unworthy of this life, I tried to kill myself,
but, try as I might
I never succeeded, even God thinks I’m deserving
of this plight.
Loneliness, my only friend, I still bore your
intolerance with a smile,
I tried and I still try, to make you happy, accept
me if only for a while.
Happiness to a lost cause is a dream, to be dreamt
on lonely nights,
When the paranoia stills for a bit, when Hope
tries to shine bright.
WHO AM I?
What has rejection taught me? What have I gained
with fear?
Self-loathing, mistrust and unhappiness, has
brought me here
To a place where I can no longer look in the
mirror and say,
“I love you, Maria. You are lovable- you are
perfect in everyway.”
Am I the sum of my beliefs? Ingrained into me, not
even my own.
How do I define my Self, my identity, into what
have I grown?
I look into the mirror once more; I have to let
go, somehow
Reach into the inner child, pure and perfect, I
have to learn to love.
I am not what you tried to make me believe, I
cannot be.
I am not the sum of your beliefs, I’m my own, I am
unique.
I can mould, adapt, and change everything to
become the best of me,
A person who can trust, love, accept, know my
Self. You’ll see.
EPIPHANY
I am, and that is enough. I am this moment- this
here and now.
I am what I choose to be, I am limitless
possibility, I am Love.
I am my best friend, I am my guide, within me is
the truth I seek-
If I look within I can find- Courage, Strength, I
am no longer weak.
I choose to break free from your shackles of
misery, erase these scars.
I Love you, Maria. You are infinite; everlasting-
you are perfect the way you are.
